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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Trump Boys Gather Rations Of Comic Books, Candy Bars For Night Hiding From Special Prosecutors In Makeshift Rose Garden Fort

The Trump boys said it wouldn’t be safe to leave their fort but placed a walkie-talkie on the kitchen counter in case they wanted the White House Executive Chef to bring out some string cheese.
The Trump boys said it wouldn’t be safe to leave their fort but placed a walkie-talkie on the kitchen counter in case they wanted the White House Executive Chef to bring out some string cheese.

WASHINGTON—Saying they could “live out here in the wild for months” if they had to, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly spent Wednesday rounding up supplies of comic books and candy bars as they prepared to hide out that night from special prosecutors in their makeshift White House Rose Garden fort.

According to sources, the Trump boys were seen carrying pillows, fruit snacks, a Connect Four game, an assortment of action figures, a screwdriver, a pair of plates from the State Dining Room’s china service, and other supplies, making several trips out to the blanket fort where they planned to lie low during Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into links between Russia and their father’s presidential campaign.

“No one’s getting inside here—this place is super secure,” said Donald Jr., dumping a pillowcase filled with butter knives, a deck of Pokémon cards, and several individually wrapped Swiss cake rolls onto the fort’s grass floor. “We can forage during the day and sleep here at night. Mueller’s never gonna find us, not with all those leaves and twigs we put on the roof for camouflage.”

“Even if he did, he’d never get past our booby traps,” added Donald Jr., referring to the thorny branches the brothers had gathered from nearby rose bushes and placed around the fort’s perimeter.

Sources stated that the fort, located 30 feet from the West Wing Colonnade, has walls built from cardboard and loose piles of scrap wood, while its roof consists of blankets stripped from the president’s bed, which are draped over bushes and held down on the sides with a paperweight from the Resolute desk and a bronze bust of Martin Luther King Jr. The entrance flap, which the Trump boys keep pulled shut at all times to conceal themselves from any lawyers seeking to question them about Russian interference in the election, is reportedly made from a tattered flag flown by the 29th Massachusetts Infantry during the Battle of Antietam.

White House staff confirmed the boys tried to bring two overstuffed chairs out to the 5-by-7-foot fort, but abandoned them on the South Portico after finding them too heavy to carry. As they sprawled out instead on cushions taken from a couch in the Treaty Room, the brothers are believed to have drawn up secret plans in a spiral notebook, including a scheme in which they would wear ski masks and one of them would boost the other through the window of Mueller’s office to steal back all the documents he has subpoenaed.

“We can tape these toilet-paper rolls together to make bignoculars [sic],” said Eric, placing the cardboard cylinders next to two long wrapping-paper tubes they planned to cover in aluminum foil and use as swords. “I’d like to see Mueller try to make us testify! We’ve got everything we need to outlast him: Froot Loops, my Nintendo DS, super glue, juice, a spool of real fishing line, a bike pump. I even brought a picture of the whole family so we’ll never forget what they look like.”

“We can’t ever go back to our old lives,” continued Eric. “Except for going inside to use the bathroom—that’s allowed.”

Needing kindling for the fire they would light at nightfall, sources said the Trump boys tore apart the frame and canvas of Charles Édouard Armand-Dumaresq’s circa 1873 painting of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which they had removed from the wall of the White House Cabinet Room. However, the brothers are said to have abandoned their attempts to start the fire after Eric burned his fingers while trying to use a Bic lighter to cook a hot dog.

Reports confirmed that around 9 p.m., when Eric and Donald Jr. were listening intently for the footsteps of any special prosecutors who might be approaching in the darkness, they heard the sound of a twig snapping, which immediately caused them to shut off their flashlights and huddle deep inside their sleeping bags.

“It’s Mueller!” whispered Donald Jr., holding a hand over Eric’s mouth to muffle his brother’s scream. “Quick, grab the secret notebook and run! I’ll attack him with the pruning shears!”

“Wait, it’s just Melania with hot cocoa,” added Donald Jr., breathing a sigh of relief. “Tell her the password so we can let her in.”

At approximately 3 a.m., a sobbing Eric Trump was seen marching toward the White House with a pillow under his arm, saying that he didn’t care if he got in trouble, he was tired and sad and just wanted to sleep in his own bed with all his stuff again.

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