Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

What To Expect From James Comey’s Book

Former FBI director James Comey is writing a book due out next spring about leadership, decision-making, and his time at the FBI. Here’s what to look for when the book is released.
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Trump Boys Sadly Release Pet Alligator Into Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool

WASHINGTON—Forced to set loose their best friend in the whole world, the Trump boys on Thursday sadly released their pet alligator into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “Sorry, buddy, Dad says we can’t keep you anymore,” said a tearful Eric Trump as the brothers unlatched the cage containing the 900-pound American alligator, assuring the animal that he’d be happier swimming free in the waters of the National Mall than being cooped up in a White House bathtub. “It’s not your fault you took a chomp out of that stupid ol’ Resolute desk. But we’ll come back and visit real soon, don’t you worry. Now go on and get before we change our mind. Go on now.” At press time, the Trump boys realized they were in trouble all over again after the alligator dragged newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch into the water and devoured him.

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