Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
End Of Section
  • More News

Trump Boys Sadly Release Pet Alligator Into Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool

WASHINGTON—Forced to set loose their best friend in the whole world, the Trump boys on Thursday sadly released their pet alligator into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “Sorry, buddy, Dad says we can’t keep you anymore,” said a tearful Eric Trump as the brothers unlatched the cage containing the 900-pound American alligator, assuring the animal that he’d be happier swimming free in the waters of the National Mall than being cooped up in a White House bathtub. “It’s not your fault you took a chomp out of that stupid ol’ Resolute desk. But we’ll come back and visit real soon, don’t you worry. Now go on and get before we change our mind. Go on now.” At press time, the Trump boys realized they were in trouble all over again after the alligator dragged newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch into the water and devoured him.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.