Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
End Of Section
  • More News

Trump Deploys National Guard To Press Conference For Standing Ovation

WASHINGTON—Activating the reserve military forces to assist in the urgent mission, President Donald Trump reportedly deployed the National Guard to a press conference Tuesday in order to provide him with a standing ovation. “We received orders from the commander-in-chief at approximately 0600 hours to mobilize all available units in the D.C. area to the White House press briefing room, where personnel were instructed to supply a thunderous round of applause at the conclusion of President Trump’s prepared statements,” said Chief of the National Guard Gen. Joseph Lengyel, noting that hundreds of reserve troops had been directed to clap and cheer after Trump spoke on such hot-button issues as the economy and his relationship with the press. “The National Guard is prepared to swiftly respond to the president’s need for vocal adulation. We’ve got boots on the ground in cities across the U.S. to answer the call for ovations at rallies, diplomatic meetings, treaty negotiations, and all other manner of official appearances.” At press time, dozens of troops had been marshaled to chant the president’s name as he signed executive orders dismantling the Affordable Care Act.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.