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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Trump Orders All Flags To Half-Staff In Honor Of American Killed On Episode Of ‘Blue Bloods’

WASHINGTON—At times struggling to hold back tears, a solemn President Donald Trump ordered all flags to half-staff Friday in honor of an American killed in the line of duty on an episode of Blue Bloods. “Today we honor New York City police officer Vincent ‘Vinny’ Cruz, a hero who cared so deeply about the people he served that he was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to protect them,” said the president of the brash, fast-talking cop who was partnered with lead character Jamie Reagan at the beginning of season three. “Officer Cruz attempted to apprehend a thief inside the Bitterman housing project—the same housing project he himself rose up from years ago—totally unaware that he was walking into an ambush orchestrated by Santana and his Los Lordes gang. Once the shooting stopped, it was tragically evident that Vinny was mortally wounded. I offer my heartfelt condolences to Police Commissioner Frank Reagan and the entire NYPD.” An angry Trump later vowed to redouble his efforts to punish sanctuary cities such as New York, certain that undocumented immigrants were involved in the brave officer’s death.

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