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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown

WASHINGTON—Saying his administration was fully prepared in the event Congress does not pass a new budget by the end of the week, President Trump promised Monday that all essential Mar-a-Lago staff will continue to be funded during a government shutdown. “Even if Congress can’t get a budget done, the American people can rest assured that all vital cabana and golf course employees will continue to perform their duties uninterrupted,” said Trump, explaining that temporary appropriations bills would exempt crucial waiters, chefs, drivers, and housekeeping staff from any action that will close entire agencies and prevent thousands of federal employees from reporting to work. “Until a new budget gets passed, however, we will have no choice but to put all Mar-a-Lago pool boys and lifeguards on furlough and institute a hiring freeze across all landscaping departments. But while any shutdown can’t help but have some negative impact—the kitchen could run out of some appetizers, and guests’ bags might take longer to get up to their rooms—I want to assure all Americans that the core amenities of Mar-a-Lago will remain intact for the duration.” Trump went on to say, however, that if Mar-a-Lago were forced to reduce the hours its tennis courts were open, outraged citizens should blame the Democrats.

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