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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Trump Sits Down Beside Fire With Quill And Ink For Evening Writing Out Tweets

NEW YORK—Retiring to his candlelit study with a hot mug of chamomile tea as he does every night, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly sat down beside a crackling fire Thursday with his quill and ink for a long evening of writing out tweets. “Leave my dinner by the door if you would—I need to be alone with my thoughts now,” Trump called to his butler, as he slowly leaned back in his leather armchair, pressed his outstretched index finger to his chin, and quietly contemplated the composition of a tweet critiquing Hillary Clinton’s economic vision for the country, then carefully dipped the goose-feather quill into the inkwell on his desk and scrawled the missive, before abruptly shaking his head, crumpling up the piece of parchment, and tossing it aside. “No, no! Oh, this will never do. The phrasing is wrong, all wrong. Think, Donald, think! You must articulate your thoughts perfectly if you are to truly capture the most misguided elements of Hillary Clinton’s economic agenda and convey the noxious effects they would have on the working class in your tweet.” After nearly an hour of silent rumination, a pleased Trump reportedly scratched out the phrase “Crooked Hillary will be bad for jobs. She has no clue! Sad!” before setting down his quill in peaceful contentment and using his candle snuffer to tamp out his reading light for the evening.

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