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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Trump Takes Moment To Thank All The Fear In Audience For Making This Night Possible

CLEVELAND—Saying their contributions had been crucial to the success of his candidacy, GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump took a moment during his speech Thursday to thank all of the fear and insecurity in the audience of the Republican National Convention for making this evening possible. “First and foremost, I’d like to recognize all the fear and resentment here with us tonight because I simply could not have achieved any of this without them,” said Trump, noting how the deep sense of paranoia in the crowd had been there alongside him throughout his campaign, providing constant support since the very day he announced his candidacy. “I know rage is also somewhere out there in the arena, and I certainly want to show my deep appreciation for everything that rage has done for me over the past year. Gosh, there really are so many anxieties in here tonight that have helped this campaign get where it is today that I can’t possibly name them all, so I’ll just say that if we continue to work together, there’s no way we can be stopped this November.” Trump then added that the delusion he had relied on throughout the campaign would certainly play a prominent role in his administration.

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