Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Trump Takes Moment To Thank All The Fear In Audience For Making This Night Possible

CLEVELAND—Saying their contributions had been crucial to the success of his candidacy, GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump took a moment during his speech Thursday to thank all of the fear and insecurity in the audience of the Republican National Convention for making this evening possible. “First and foremost, I’d like to recognize all the fear and resentment here with us tonight because I simply could not have achieved any of this without them,” said Trump, noting how the deep sense of paranoia in the crowd had been there alongside him throughout his campaign, providing constant support since the very day he announced his candidacy. “I know rage is also somewhere out there in the arena, and I certainly want to show my deep appreciation for everything that rage has done for me over the past year. Gosh, there really are so many anxieties in here tonight that have helped this campaign get where it is today that I can’t possibly name them all, so I’ll just say that if we continue to work together, there’s no way we can be stopped this November.” Trump then added that the delusion he had relied on throughout the campaign would certainly play a prominent role in his administration.

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