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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Trump Trying To Figure Out How To Unsubscribe From Boring National Security Email List

WASHINGTON—Fed up with the constant notifications about threats to the United States, an exasperated President Trump was trying to figure out how to unsubscribe from the boring national security email list, sources reported Thursday. “Every day, I get these stupid, dull emails about terrorist stuff or nuclear weapons testing, and I can’t find a way to make them stop,” said the president, adding that while he manually deletes the individual highly classified messages as he receives them, he wished there were an actual unsubscribe button so they wouldn’t “clog up [his] inbox” in the first place. “They really should be going to my spam folder, because I don’t remember giving anyone in the CIA or the Department of Homeland Security my email address. If I have to keep getting these top-secret briefings, they should at least make them fun to read. I bet nobody’s actually finished one of them in the history of this country.” At press time, Trump had called an IT person and asked if he could just stop getting emails from anyone with a .gov account.

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