Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Trump Trying To Figure Out How To Unsubscribe From Boring National Security Email List

WASHINGTON—Fed up with the constant notifications about threats to the United States, an exasperated President Trump was trying to figure out how to unsubscribe from the boring national security email list, sources reported Thursday. “Every day, I get these stupid, dull emails about terrorist stuff or nuclear weapons testing, and I can’t find a way to make them stop,” said the president, adding that while he manually deletes the individual highly classified messages as he receives them, he wished there were an actual unsubscribe button so they wouldn’t “clog up [his] inbox” in the first place. “They really should be going to my spam folder, because I don’t remember giving anyone in the CIA or the Department of Homeland Security my email address. If I have to keep getting these top-secret briefings, they should at least make them fun to read. I bet nobody’s actually finished one of them in the history of this country.” At press time, Trump had called an IT person and asked if he could just stop getting emails from anyone with a .gov account.

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