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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Trump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-Lago

President Trump says the new beachside property will provide a much-needed getaway from his seemingly endless days spent in Mar-a-Lago’s pools, ballrooms, and croquet courts.
President Trump says the new beachside property will provide a much-needed getaway from his seemingly endless days spent in Mar-a-Lago’s pools, ballrooms, and croquet courts.

ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Speaking Wednesday from the grounds of the lavish tropical estate where he plans to spend much of his downtime while in office, Donald Trump unveiled a new presidential retreat he hopes will allow him to escape from the grueling pace of life at Mar-a-Lago.

With its sunny climate, secluded setting, and luxurious accommodations, the 45-acre Caribbean hideaway known as Isola Vista—which sits on a pristine white-sand beach along the island of St. Thomas’ southern coast—will reportedly serve as a haven where the president can find respite from his five-star Palm Beach, FL resort and its many day-to-day pressures.

“After a while, all that time spent at Mar-a-Lago starts to take a toll,” Trump said of the relentless routine of recreation and extravagance he experiences at his oceanfront Florida club. “I’m there so much that sometimes I just need to get away and clear my head. Here in St. Thomas I’ll have a place where I can simply relax and, for a little while at least, forget about all those headaches I left behind in Palm Beach.”

Added the president, “A few days in the Caribbean should be all I need to feel refreshed and ready to get right back to the usual grind of Mar-a-Lago.”

According to sources, considerable efforts have been made at Isola Vista to create a tranquil retreat far removed from the rigorous schedule of golf, fine dining, and spa treatments the commander-in-chief faces every single day he is in Florida.

His stressful days at Mar-a-Lago reportedly begin at 6 a.m. with a breakfast prepared by a Michelin-starred chef, followed by an early tee time at the award-winning Trump International Golf Club. By the time the last wearying soiree at his private club finally winds down, the president is often completely exhausted, aides say, prompting his decision to decamp to Isola Vista for some much-needed rest and leisure.

“It’ll be great to fly down here from Mar-a-Lago and have a little me time,” said Trump, describing how the new retreat will finally let him enjoy some peace and quiet away from his exclusive members-only Florida resort. “The amount of unwinding I’ve done in Palm Beach lately has left me completely drained. Hopefully Isola Vista will allow me to recharge anytime I overdo it at Mar-a-Lago and start to feel run down.”

Following his first visit to Isola Vista, presidential advisers confirmed Trump’s time away appeared to have had a positive effect on his mood and energy level.

“The new retreat seems to have worked wonders on the president,” Trump aide Jessica Ditto told reporters. “When he returned to Mar-a-Lago, he was eager to dive right back into his packed daily schedule immediately and couldn’t wait to get started on the day’s first hot-stone massage.”

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