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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Truther Jihadist Wishes Al-Qaeda Had Committed 9/11 Attacks

DHAMAR, YEMEN—Calling the attacks on the World Trade Center “a missed opportunity for al-Qaeda,” 9/11 truther and militant jihadist Fahad al-Mouqrin reportedly expressed his deep disappointment Thursday that the September 11 attacks were in fact not carried out by the terror organization. “It would have been perfect if al-Qaeda did deliver such a devastating blow to the American infidels, but unfortunately, it was all planned and executed by the Bush administration to justify the Iraq War,” said the militant Islamic fundamentalist and conspiracy theorist, noting that it “really kills [him]” to think of the widespread carnage and chaos at Ground Zero, knowing deep down that it was not truly the work of his fellow mujahideen. “I wish we had destroyed those two buildings in the name of Allah, instead of the controlled demolitions at the base of the World Trade Center that actually caused both towers to collapse. But the whole thing was an inside job by the U.S. government and then covered up by the mainstream American media. Unfortunately.” Al-Mouqrin added that he is at least relieved al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden is still alive and currently planning imminent attacks on several major U.S. cities.

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