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TSA Agent Can’t Bring Himself To Make Dad Take Off Comfy Shoes

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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TSA Agent Can’t Bring Himself To Make Dad Take Off Comfy Shoes

NEWARK, NJ—Citing how exceptionally cozy and comfortable the footwear looked, Newark Liberty International Airport TSA agent Roger Goodman told reporters he “didn’t have it in [him]” to make local dad Jim Pearsall remove his shoes at the Terminal B security checkpointThursday. “You should’ve seen these shoes—thick, cushioning soles, soft lining, snug but not too tight. It would have been a travesty to make a man accustomed to that level of luxurious comfort walk on the cold, hard floor in just his socks,” said Goodman, adding that he was not worried about any potential security threat because no terrorist hijacking a plane would risk losing a pair of shoes that nice. “Man, those shoes...let’s just say a TSA agent only sees shoes that comfy once in his career, twice if he’s lucky.”At press time, Goodman was seen placing a passenger on the No Fly List upon seeing his ratty old pair of sneakers.

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