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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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TSA Agent Can’t Bring Himself To Make Dad Take Off Comfy Shoes

NEWARK, NJ—Citing how exceptionally cozy and comfortable the footwear looked, Newark Liberty International Airport TSA agent Roger Goodman told reporters he “didn’t have it in [him]” to make local dad Jim Pearsall remove his shoes at the Terminal B security checkpointThursday. “You should’ve seen these shoes—thick, cushioning soles, soft lining, snug but not too tight. It would have been a travesty to make a man accustomed to that level of luxurious comfort walk on the cold, hard floor in just his socks,” said Goodman, adding that he was not worried about any potential security threat because no terrorist hijacking a plane would risk losing a pair of shoes that nice. “Man, those shoes...let’s just say a TSA agent only sees shoes that comfy once in his career, twice if he’s lucky.”At press time, Goodman was seen placing a passenger on the No Fly List upon seeing his ratty old pair of sneakers.

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