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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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TSA Agents To Now Simply Stand At Checkpoints And Remind Passengers That We All Die Someday

ARLINGTON, VA— Following the release of a report indicating that the agency failed 95 percent of security tests, the Transportation Security Administration announced Tuesday that agents will now simply stand at airport checkpoints and remind all passengers that everybody will eventually die someday. “As part of our new security protocol, TSA agents at every checkpoint will carefully inform each passenger that life is a temporary state and that no man can escape the fate that awaits us all,” said acting TSA administrator Mark Hatfield, adding that under the new guidelines, agents will ensure that passengers fully understand and accept the inevitability of death as they proceed through the boarding pass check, luggage screening, and body scanner machines. “Signs posted throughout the queues will also state that death is unpredictable but guaranteed, and a series of looping PA messages will reiterate to passengers that, even if they survive this flight, they could still easily die in 10 years or even tomorrow.” Hatfield went on to say that the TSA plans to add a precheck program that will expedite the process for passengers the agency deems comfortable with the ephemeral nature of life.


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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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