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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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TSA To Allow Small Terrorists On Planes

ARLINGTON, VA—In a notable relaxation of its existing security protocols, the Transportation Security Administration announced Thursday that it will henceforth allow small terrorists on commercial aircraft. “After reviewing our longstanding policies, we have decided to ease our boarding requirements to allow any terrorist 5 feet tall or shorter to enter the airplane cabin,” TSA administrator John S. Pistole said in a prepared statement, specifying that any violent radical attempting to pass through security will be subject to an additional screening ensuring they weigh less than 135 pounds and are no broader than 18 inches at their widest point. “It’s a simple system that hopefully everyone will be able to understand. We will also display a height chart outside security checkpoints so as to eliminate any confusion.” Pistole added that any terrorists not falling within the acceptable boarding dimensions will have to be checked.

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