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Turkey For Assholes

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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Turkey For Assholes

If you enjoy ancient civilizations and are a huge dick, then you’ll love this 12-day guided tour of Anatolian wine cellars, spice farms, and prehistoric caves, which is specially designed for the smuggest limp-dick pricks. Dying to see Cappadocia? Even know what Cappadocia is? Then book today, asshole, and join us in fucking Turkey!

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