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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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TV Producers Running Out Of Types Of People To Have Dance With Each Other

LOS ANGELES—Frustrated TV producers announced Monday that they have nearly exhausted every combination of people that can be made to dance with each other in televised competition. "We've had professional dancers performing with everyone from movie stars to former NFL players to people from other reality shows, and we've had amateurs who thought they could dance but more often than not discovered otherwise," producer David Celino said. "Take any kind of person you can imagine, and I guarantee we've had them dancing on TV. We're running out of options here, and we're desperate. Help." Celino said that television producers were exploring several new variations on dance-based reality programming, including one show in which naked people are filmed having sex with each other.

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