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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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TV Producers Running Out Of Types Of People To Have Dance With Each Other

LOS ANGELES—Frustrated TV producers announced Monday that they have nearly exhausted every combination of people that can be made to dance with each other in televised competition. "We've had professional dancers performing with everyone from movie stars to former NFL players to people from other reality shows, and we've had amateurs who thought they could dance but more often than not discovered otherwise," producer David Celino said. "Take any kind of person you can imagine, and I guarantee we've had them dancing on TV. We're running out of options here, and we're desperate. Help." Celino said that television producers were exploring several new variations on dance-based reality programming, including one show in which naked people are filmed having sex with each other.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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