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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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TV Viewer Relates To Totally Unbelievable Character That Could Never Exist In Reality

JONESBORO, AR—Claiming to share many of the same personality traits, 28-year-old Matthew Brooks revealed Wednesday that he strongly identifies with the protagonist from his favorite television drama, a character who could never actually exist in real life. “I see a lot of myself in how he sort of plays by his own rules and always stays true to his morals no matter what. He also makes these really cool, sarcastic remarks that other characters in the show think are funny, and I kind of do that, too,” Brooks said of the character who resembles no actual human being who currently exists in reality, has ever existed in reality, or will ever exist in reality. “And the way he can be so abrasive and arrogant while still maintaining a high-pressure job, managing a core group of devoted friends who admire him, and juggling multiple relationships with incredibly gorgeous women—I’m totally like that sometimes.” Brooks added that the only character in the show he finds it difficult to relate to is the main character’s brother, an unkempt and lazy 28-year-old who spends the majority of his time sitting around his apartment watching television.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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