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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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TV Viewer Relates To Totally Unbelievable Character That Could Never Exist In Reality

JONESBORO, AR—Claiming to share many of the same personality traits, 28-year-old Matthew Brooks revealed Wednesday that he strongly identifies with the protagonist from his favorite television drama, a character who could never actually exist in real life. “I see a lot of myself in how he sort of plays by his own rules and always stays true to his morals no matter what. He also makes these really cool, sarcastic remarks that other characters in the show think are funny, and I kind of do that, too,” Brooks said of the character who resembles no actual human being who currently exists in reality, has ever existed in reality, or will ever exist in reality. “And the way he can be so abrasive and arrogant while still maintaining a high-pressure job, managing a core group of devoted friends who admire him, and juggling multiple relationships with incredibly gorgeous women—I’m totally like that sometimes.” Brooks added that the only character in the show he finds it difficult to relate to is the main character’s brother, an unkempt and lazy 28-year-old who spends the majority of his time sitting around his apartment watching television.

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