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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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TV Viewers Outraged At Timing Of Commercial Break

LOS ANGELES—A coalition of more than 20 million television viewers issued a strongly worded statement Monday expressing outrage at the timing of a commercial break that interrupted the program they were watching just as it reached its most compelling point. "Due to what can only be described as gross incompetence, this poorly placed advertising block left us with little option but to sit through the commercials in their entirety so that we would not miss any part of the show when it returned," the statement read in part. "We sincerely hope this unfortunate incident is not repeated, especially right before we find out whether or not contestants on our favorite game shows are going to win big money." TV viewers last mobilized in December, when a late-night program that at first appeared to be a television talk show was later revealed to be a 27-minute-long advertisement for a juicer.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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