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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Twelve More Pie-Fucking Movies In The Works

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Responding to the box-office success of American Pie, Hollywood studios are prepping at least a dozen films revolving around coupling with pies, Daily Variety reported Monday. "The American people have voted with their dollars, and we must heed the call," said Paramount executive Hollis James. "Look for the outrageous Boston Cream in Summer 2001, featuring Denis Leary as a screwball waiter with a most unusual 'taste' in sex." In addition to Cream, United Artists is in preproduction on the coming-of-age pie-fucking film I'll Take The Cherry, 20th Century Fox is negotiating with David Arquette to star in Master Baker as "a pastry chef with a secret ingredient you won't believe," and Jeff Daniels has signed with New Line to play a televangelist dethroned by a pie-fucking scandal in Jizzes H. Crust! New Line is also interviewing directors for Nobody Does It Like Sara Lee, in which Steve Guttenberg performs cunnilingus on a raspberry torte.

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