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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Twenty Minutes Spent Making Tuna Fish Palatable

PERRY, NY—Local resident Gary Ingram, 28, spent more than a quarter of an hour transforming a wet, grayish pile of canned tuna fish into something he would actually put in his mouth, sources said Monday. "Gotta have some pickles in there," Ingram said after draining the flaccid, oil-soaked fish and adding mayonnaise, red onions, and various other condiments to help mask its actual flavor. "And you can't have a tuna sandwich without some chopped celery and a couple of shots from the ol' Tabasco bottle." Ingram reportedly would have needed an additional 55 minutes of preparation time to make the tuna fish into something he would feel comfortable serving to a group of friends.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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