Twins Continue Clawing Their Way Down To Bottom Of Standings

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Vol 47 Issue 39

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.

Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...
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Twins Continue Clawing Their Way Down To Bottom Of Standings

MINNEAPOLIS—The scrappy Minnesota Twins continued to claw and fight their way down to the bottom of the standings last Wednesday, stringing together the league’s longest losing streak with their 11th-straight defeat. “This team has a lot of resolve, and we will battle tooth and nail for last place until the season is over,” said right fielder Jason Kubel, who has helped to lead the team with crucial defensive lapses and ineffectiveness at the plate. “We’ve got a lot of spunk. I don’t care who we are playing. We’ll do whatever it takes and find some way to lose.” Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said the team was slumping at the right time and might end up with the worst record in the majors if they continued to play their brand of shit ball.

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