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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Twins Continue Clawing Their Way Down To Bottom Of Standings

MINNEAPOLIS—The scrappy Minnesota Twins continued to claw and fight their way down to the bottom of the standings last Wednesday, stringing together the league’s longest losing streak with their 11th-straight defeat. “This team has a lot of resolve, and we will battle tooth and nail for last place until the season is over,” said right fielder Jason Kubel, who has helped to lead the team with crucial defensive lapses and ineffectiveness at the plate. “We’ve got a lot of spunk. I don’t care who we are playing. We’ll do whatever it takes and find some way to lose.” Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said the team was slumping at the right time and might end up with the worst record in the majors if they continued to play their brand of shit ball.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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