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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Twins Shocked To Learn You Can Score 2 Runs In Same Play

MINNEAPOLIS—The fourth-place Minnesota Twins finally came to realize baseball teams can score more than one run in a single play when, in the fifth inning of their 4-6 loss to the Cleveland Indians last Monday, they witnessed their opponents do just that. “It doesn’t seem like it should be allowed,” said Twins manager Ron Gardenhire, who ran out of the dugout to protest when he saw two Cleveland players touch home plate. “We’ve never tried to pull anything like that. Quite frankly, it looks pretty hard. First off, you’d almost have to be in a situation where two people were on base, and then if you could manage that, a hitter would have to hit the ball so far away from the fielders that there would be little chance of getting it back to the catcher before the second runner reached home plate. Sounds crazy to me.” Though he admitted the team still did not quite understand how scoring multiple runs works, Gardenhire called it a “cheap gimmick” and said the Twins would not attempt it anytime soon.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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