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WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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Twister Party Fails To Get Dirty

LOUISVILLE, KY–Despite expectations that a group of adults playing the physically demanding Milton Bradley game would degenerate into a sexual free-for-all, University of Louisville graduate student Amanda Corcoran's invite-only Twister party failed to get dirty, a disappointed party attendee reported Saturday.

The disappointingly wholesome Twister party.

"When I heard about the Twister theme, I was, like, excellent–everyone climbing all over each other, getting real close," said partygoer and fellow graduate student Bryan Astbury. "Turns out, it wasn't so debauched after all. After 20 minutes, everyone just went back to drinking and talking about how the Clintons had to return all that furniture. Total letdown."

"I guess I just figured 'Twister party' was code for 'naked gropefest,'" Astbury said. "Why else would you throw a Twister party? Especially an invite-only one, thereby pre-selecting the bodies you want co-mingling."

Though participants were all between the ages of 20 and 30–well within their peak years of sexual activity–the physical contortions necessitated by the popular body-contact game for ages three and up failed to whip anyone but Astbury into a libidinous frenzy.

"Amanda has a lot of good-looking friends," Astbury said. "I thought, here's my chance to rub up against some of those hotties from the English department. But it didn't really turn out like I imagined."

The first round of spins, sources said, elicited churlish laughter from Astbury, as well as comments such as, "Watch where you put that hand!" and "Hey, that's sexual harassment!" The fun, however, remained steadfastly wholesome.

"Tina [Richter] spun a 'right foot blue' and was on top of me in almost a '69' position," Astbury said. "It was pretty obvious to me that we were in a sexual position, but she seemed totally oblivious. Then, with her next spin, Tina moved her right foot back over to yellow, and the excitement was over."

Upon receiving his invitation in the mail, Astbury said he imagined a playful progression from light fondling to "Naked Co-Ed Twister" to an hour of fellatio courtesy of three or four of Corcoran's female friends. But despite such hopes, injuries rather than eroticism became the dominant theme of the evening: On his third turn, Astbury fell backward on the slippery plastic game board and sprained his ankle.

"I never realized how much less limber I am at 27 than I was at 20," Astbury said. "I thought the 'falling on each other' aspect of the game would give me a chance to graze Danielle [Simon]'s breasts or at least get a peek down her blouse, but instead I slipped and had to sit on the couch with an ice pack."

Corcoran said she conceived of the Twister party several months ago as a way to kick off spring break, when her graduate-student friends would be eager to "cut loose" after months of grueling classes. She denied any intention of using the children's game as sexual pretext.

"I thought Twister would be a perfect way for everyone to just laugh and let their hair down a little," Corcoran said. "Plus, not everybody knows each other, so it's a good ice-breaker. I just figured people would play one game and then head to the hors d'oeuvres table."

Sandra Haitte, author of the party-resource manual Fun Time, Party Time, said Astbury's expectations of sexual mischief were not entirely unfounded.

"Sexually suggestive party games are a great facilitator for people too boring to have fun on their own," Haitte said. "Adding off-color phrases to a game of Pictionary, holding a 'pajama party,' or throwing a sexy Valentine's Day costume party–these are activities that free up dull people to flirt and exchange innuendoes they might otherwise be too fearful or not clever enough to pull off."

Though the party failed to devolve into an orgy, Astbury, who will be on crutches for the next few weeks, said it was not a total loss.

"Don't get me wrong," Astbury said. "I'm glad I went. When I told some of my other friends that I sprained my ankle playing Twister with a bunch of women, they were pretty impressed. I just wish I had a little more to brag about."

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