adBlockCheck

Twister Party Fails To Get Dirty

Top Headlines

Local

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Twister Party Fails To Get Dirty

LOUISVILLE, KY–Despite expectations that a group of adults playing the physically demanding Milton Bradley game would degenerate into a sexual free-for-all, University of Louisville graduate student Amanda Corcoran's invite-only Twister party failed to get dirty, a disappointed party attendee reported Saturday.

The disappointingly wholesome Twister party.

"When I heard about the Twister theme, I was, like, excellent–everyone climbing all over each other, getting real close," said partygoer and fellow graduate student Bryan Astbury. "Turns out, it wasn't so debauched after all. After 20 minutes, everyone just went back to drinking and talking about how the Clintons had to return all that furniture. Total letdown."

"I guess I just figured 'Twister party' was code for 'naked gropefest,'" Astbury said. "Why else would you throw a Twister party? Especially an invite-only one, thereby pre-selecting the bodies you want co-mingling."

Though participants were all between the ages of 20 and 30–well within their peak years of sexual activity–the physical contortions necessitated by the popular body-contact game for ages three and up failed to whip anyone but Astbury into a libidinous frenzy.

"Amanda has a lot of good-looking friends," Astbury said. "I thought, here's my chance to rub up against some of those hotties from the English department. But it didn't really turn out like I imagined."

The first round of spins, sources said, elicited churlish laughter from Astbury, as well as comments such as, "Watch where you put that hand!" and "Hey, that's sexual harassment!" The fun, however, remained steadfastly wholesome.

"Tina [Richter] spun a 'right foot blue' and was on top of me in almost a '69' position," Astbury said. "It was pretty obvious to me that we were in a sexual position, but she seemed totally oblivious. Then, with her next spin, Tina moved her right foot back over to yellow, and the excitement was over."

Upon receiving his invitation in the mail, Astbury said he imagined a playful progression from light fondling to "Naked Co-Ed Twister" to an hour of fellatio courtesy of three or four of Corcoran's female friends. But despite such hopes, injuries rather than eroticism became the dominant theme of the evening: On his third turn, Astbury fell backward on the slippery plastic game board and sprained his ankle.

"I never realized how much less limber I am at 27 than I was at 20," Astbury said. "I thought the 'falling on each other' aspect of the game would give me a chance to graze Danielle [Simon]'s breasts or at least get a peek down her blouse, but instead I slipped and had to sit on the couch with an ice pack."

Corcoran said she conceived of the Twister party several months ago as a way to kick off spring break, when her graduate-student friends would be eager to "cut loose" after months of grueling classes. She denied any intention of using the children's game as sexual pretext.

"I thought Twister would be a perfect way for everyone to just laugh and let their hair down a little," Corcoran said. "Plus, not everybody knows each other, so it's a good ice-breaker. I just figured people would play one game and then head to the hors d'oeuvres table."

Sandra Haitte, author of the party-resource manual Fun Time, Party Time, said Astbury's expectations of sexual mischief were not entirely unfounded.

"Sexually suggestive party games are a great facilitator for people too boring to have fun on their own," Haitte said. "Adding off-color phrases to a game of Pictionary, holding a 'pajama party,' or throwing a sexy Valentine's Day costume party–these are activities that free up dull people to flirt and exchange innuendoes they might otherwise be too fearful or not clever enough to pull off."

Though the party failed to devolve into an orgy, Astbury, who will be on crutches for the next few weeks, said it was not a total loss.

"Don't get me wrong," Astbury said. "I'm glad I went. When I told some of my other friends that I sprained my ankle playing Twister with a bunch of women, they were pretty impressed. I just wish I had a little more to brag about."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close