adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Two Dozen Restaurant Patrons Made Violently Ill From Marriage Proposal

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Complaining of intense abdominal cramping and diarrhea, more than two dozen patrons at La Bergerie reportedly fell violently ill Thursday night after witnessing a marriage proposal. “My wife and I got really sick, and we’re pretty sure it was that ring in the champagne glass that did it,” said Stephen Fitzgerald, 45, who told reporters he was able to suppress his nausea only until the bride-to-be began crying and called her mother, at which point he hurried to the restroom to vomit for several minutes. “I mean, it could’ve also been the string quartet that came out of nowhere while the guy dropped to one knee, but there’s no doubt in my mind it was something in that proposal. Honestly, I’m getting a little queasy just talking about it.” Fitzgerald added that he’d likely never go back to La Bergerie, but if he did, he’d definitely steer clear of the tables near young couples.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close