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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Two Dozen Restaurant Patrons Made Violently Ill From Marriage Proposal

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Complaining of intense abdominal cramping and diarrhea, more than two dozen patrons at La Bergerie reportedly fell violently ill Thursday night after witnessing a marriage proposal. “My wife and I got really sick, and we’re pretty sure it was that ring in the champagne glass that did it,” said Stephen Fitzgerald, 45, who told reporters he was able to suppress his nausea only until the bride-to-be began crying and called her mother, at which point he hurried to the restroom to vomit for several minutes. “I mean, it could’ve also been the string quartet that came out of nowhere while the guy dropped to one knee, but there’s no doubt in my mind it was something in that proposal. Honestly, I’m getting a little queasy just talking about it.” Fitzgerald added that he’d likely never go back to La Bergerie, but if he did, he’d definitely steer clear of the tables near young couples.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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