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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Two Dozen Restaurant Patrons Made Violently Ill From Marriage Proposal

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Complaining of intense abdominal cramping and diarrhea, more than two dozen patrons at La Bergerie reportedly fell violently ill Thursday night after witnessing a marriage proposal. “My wife and I got really sick, and we’re pretty sure it was that ring in the champagne glass that did it,” said Stephen Fitzgerald, 45, who told reporters he was able to suppress his nausea only until the bride-to-be began crying and called her mother, at which point he hurried to the restroom to vomit for several minutes. “I mean, it could’ve also been the string quartet that came out of nowhere while the guy dropped to one knee, but there’s no doubt in my mind it was something in that proposal. Honestly, I’m getting a little queasy just talking about it.” Fitzgerald added that he’d likely never go back to La Bergerie, but if he did, he’d definitely steer clear of the tables near young couples.

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