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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Two People Who Went To Same College Ruin Evening For Rest Of Group

CHICAGO—Sources reported that an entire night with several close friends and acquaintances was ruined Thursday when it was revealed that two of the attendees had gone to the same college. “Oh, that’s too funny, because if you were a senior in ’07 we must’ve been there at the same time, because I graduated in ’05,” Lindsey Tolliver, 30, was overheard saying to Matt Fisher, 28, before they engaged in an all-night conversation about the poor quality of the freshman dorms, professors they may have shared, and “totally dumb” campus-wide events—a conversation that reportedly alienated the other three individuals present and rendered them completely silent. “Oh yeah, of course I went to Casino Night. It was so stupid but really fun. I’m surprised I never saw you there. I would always go with Ben Levine—do you know Ben Levine? Oh my God! That’s so crazy that you know him. We should call him right now.” Sources later confirmed the night only got worse when the three other members of the party just stared at Tolliver and Fisher as they debated which campus takeout place offered the best hot wings.

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