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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Two People Who Went To Same College Ruin Evening For Rest Of Group

CHICAGO—Sources reported that an entire night with several close friends and acquaintances was ruined Thursday when it was revealed that two of the attendees had gone to the same college. “Oh, that’s too funny, because if you were a senior in ’07 we must’ve been there at the same time, because I graduated in ’05,” Lindsey Tolliver, 30, was overheard saying to Matt Fisher, 28, before they engaged in an all-night conversation about the poor quality of the freshman dorms, professors they may have shared, and “totally dumb” campus-wide events—a conversation that reportedly alienated the other three individuals present and rendered them completely silent. “Oh yeah, of course I went to Casino Night. It was so stupid but really fun. I’m surprised I never saw you there. I would always go with Ben Levine—do you know Ben Levine? Oh my God! That’s so crazy that you know him. We should call him right now.” Sources later confirmed the night only got worse when the three other members of the party just stared at Tolliver and Fisher as they debated which campus takeout place offered the best hot wings.

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