adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Two People Who Went To Same College Ruin Evening For Rest Of Group

CHICAGO—Sources reported that an entire night with several close friends and acquaintances was ruined Thursday when it was revealed that two of the attendees had gone to the same college. “Oh, that’s too funny, because if you were a senior in ’07 we must’ve been there at the same time, because I graduated in ’05,” Lindsey Tolliver, 30, was overheard saying to Matt Fisher, 28, before they engaged in an all-night conversation about the poor quality of the freshman dorms, professors they may have shared, and “totally dumb” campus-wide events—a conversation that reportedly alienated the other three individuals present and rendered them completely silent. “Oh yeah, of course I went to Casino Night. It was so stupid but really fun. I’m surprised I never saw you there. I would always go with Ben Levine—do you know Ben Levine? Oh my God! That’s so crazy that you know him. We should call him right now.” Sources later confirmed the night only got worse when the three other members of the party just stared at Tolliver and Fisher as they debated which campus takeout place offered the best hot wings.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close