adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Two Publicists, Stylist, Personal Assistant Injured As Nicole Kidman Turns On Handlers

LOS ANGELES—An attack by Oscar-winner Nicole Kidman Monday left four handlers injured and two in intensive care, where they are listed in serious but stable condition.

Nicole Kidman.

The attack, which occurred during a photo shoot for Premiere magazine at the landmark Chateau Marmont in Hollywood, serves as a reminder that, despite their beautiful appearance, celebrities are both dangerous and unpredictable.

"Even experienced handlers can't turn their backs on these creatures," said celebrity behaviorist Laurel Fraser, who has conducted extensive field studies on such performers as Madonna, Bruce Willis, and an entire pride of Baldwins. "It's easy for people in the starkeeping profession to get complacent, and when stars sense that, they often lash out."

Stylist Melody Cosgrove was rushed to West Hills Hospital with broken bones, severe blood loss, and deep lacerations to the face, neck, and shoulders, likely inflicted by Kidman's cherry-red, two-inch talons. Personal assistant Barrie Levesque reportedly suffered extensive nerve damage, as well as severely yanked hair. Publicists Kiki Landresky and Martin O'Reilly have been released from West Hills after being treated for cuts and minor contusions. O'Reilly received a puncture wound to the thigh from one of Kidman's stiletto heels.

Celebrity-control officers working with the LAPD cornered the actress outside a sound stage at Hollywood Center Studios late Tuesday and shot her with a tranquilizer dart after failing to coax her into custody with an expensive gift bag.

"She was just calmly feeding at a craft-services table, unaware of all the havoc she raised," celebrity-control officer Rene Bofill said. "After being tranquilized, she began to snort and rave, knocking down tables and chairs before she collapsed near the set of That's So Raven."

As with many celebrity attacks, the victims reported that Kidman gave no warning before striking.

"She's been made up millions of times—I don't know why on this particular occasion she exploded," O'Reilly said. "It was pretty scary. She just coiled up in her makeup chair and pounced on the stylist."

Police rope off the area outside Chateau Marmont, where the Kidman attack took place.

After overpowering Cosgrove, Kidman turned on longtime assistant Levesque, beating him with her powerful, flapping arms, the span of which is reportedly six feet.

“[Levesque] is lucky he wasn’t killed,” Fraser said. “Nicole’s long, sinewy legs contain enough power to decapitate an adult human.”

Former personal assistant Kari Lynn Hable, who was hospitalized with compound leg fractures in 1999 following a violent encounter with actor Chris O'Donnell, said "there is no such thing as a tame star."

"Sometimes, we love our celebrities so much that we want them to experience the same freedoms we enjoy," Hable said. "But if something goes wrong, you'll quickly realize that a lot separates a celebrity from an ordinary human being. And believe me, you never, ever want to find yourself in the powerful jaws of a Chris O'Donnell."

The Kidman attack has raised questions about what motivates some individuals to handle and maintain such volatile creatures.

"The thing is, they're so gorgeous and exotic, it's like having a little piece of glamour with you at all times," Fraser said. "I'm not advocating irresponsible handling of celebrities. I've heard of some celebrity managers keeping two or three celebrities in their offices at one time. That's just cruel. You have to respect their space."

Kidman is currently in captivity in a Brentwood celebrity preserve while authorities debate whether she should be destroyed.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings