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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Wyoming Skate Park

JACKSON, WY—A simple typographical error in a proposal to set aside a scenic Big Horn Mountain valley for public recreation has resulted in the construction of the 10,020-acre Henrietta Bedford Memorial Skate Park, Wyoming Department of Natural Resources officials announced Tuesday.

Map of Wyoming

"I am pleased to dedicate Wyoming's new skate park," said baffled Wyoming Parks Department supervisor William DuBois, reading from a prepared statement. "This skateboarding park honors the memory of Miss Henrietta Bedford, a leading Wyoming conservationist, physician, and women's-suffrage activist—a woman who knew the importance of nature to the radical and the sick."

DuBois then assisted Wyoming Gov. Dave Freudenthal in cutting a ribbon stretched across the park's 22-foot-deep, mile-long half-pipe, the largest ever installed in a state-run outdoor recreation facility.

Park officials said the typo went undetected, as it was a minor rider to the "Healthy Forests Initiative," which granted timber companies greater access to public forests.

By the time the error was identified, state officials had already spent $43 million integrating the skate park's numerous ramps, rails, pipes, and inclines into the natural topography of the Absaroka Range. After some deliberation, park officials voted to complete the skate park.

"No, it might not have otherwise occurred to me to build a grind rail running the length of Mount Logan's East Ridge," Wyoming Department of Natural Resources director James Hester said. "Nor would I have recognized the scree moraines on the south face of the Absarokas as the perfect foundation for a system of interlocking skate bowls. And I'm as surprised as anyone to see the waters of the Shoshone River running through a system of concrete half-pipes. However, the Wyoming Division of Cultural Resources, in partnership with the United States Department of Natural Resources, made a commitment, and we honor our commitments."

Jason Westphal, 15, enjoys an afternoon of fresh air and sunshine.

Additional features of the park include a system of high-curbs and railings to replicate the natural environment of street skaters, a goofy-footed stalefish estuary on the banks of the Laramie River, and a 120-acre migration habitat intended to draw the graceful yet elusive Tony Hawk.

Although construction of the skate park has been roundly criticized by environmental groups and the majority of Wyoming's citizens, the park has found supporters in the "extreme sporting" community.

"Without question, this is a big step in the right direction for the state of Wyoming," said Thrasher magazine editor Jake Phelps, who praised the move from his San Francisco office. "Although I hear the park is heavily biased towards vert with only a few street elements, I think it's a start. I hope other states will follow the precedent set by Gov. Freudenthal and consider creating ideal environments for ripping wicked fakies."

Added Phelps: "Wyoming isn't that weak-beer state, is it? Oh, no, that's Utah? Razor."

Perhaps attempting to make the best of the gaffe, Wyoming Game and Fish Department director Terry Cleveland said he sees the skate park as a positive addition to the Wyoming landscape.

"We'll be attracting a segment of the population that might never have visited our state's spectacular public wildlife areas before," Cleveland said. "The debate on public land use has always been one of preservation versus access. In this case, we chose access. I only hope people keep an open mind about our decision to allow citizens the freedom to shred."

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