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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Tyrannical African Despot Installs Suggestion Box

Sudanese President-for-Life Welcomes Questions, Comments

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In a move Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali is hailing as “a major step forward” for democracy in Africa, the United Nations announced Monday that Sudan’s repressive President, General Kolimba Djimasta, has agreed to install a suggestion box outside the gates of his 10,000-acre mansion.

“We care about the quality of your stay here in Sudan,” Djimasta said. “That’s why I want you to rate your satisfaction with my kingdom: Was your torturer friendly? Was your village burned to the ground in a friendly and convenient manner? Would you like to see more or less testicular torture? Would you like to be killed at this time?”

Under the Khartoum Accord, the suggestion box will be placed on one of the two imported marble gates in front of Djimasta’s mansion. For those who don’t have a pencil handy, one will be provided.

As an added incentive to get people to fill out comment cards, the first 50 people to do so will not be brutally murdered.

“We’ve really gotten some very good, very valuable feedback,” Djimasta said. “The only downside is the occasional comment card that’s soaked with blood. Those can be difficult to read.”

Among the comments Djimasta has already received: “Please do not send your elite military police to kill me”; “Please do not dispatch your secret military squad to murder me and my family”; and “Your Grand Excellence, I beg of you, I am innocent—please do not kill me.”

The comment cards also contain a space to write your name and address, so Djimasta can personally “reply” to those who are dissatisfied.

Djimasta, who took the reins of power in a violent coup d’état in 1984, was the subject of international outrage this April, when the Red Cross unearthed the bodies of more than 5,000 opposition-party members in a desert grave. Protest by the international community led to the dispatching of a U.N. team to Khartoum last month, which led to the installation of the new suggestion box.

“One thorny point in our negotiations was the issue of how many blank lines to leave on the index cards,” U.N. chief negotiator Uwe Eckhaus said. “We felt at least 10 would be needed to provide enough room for detailed suggestions, but the General felt that anything more than five would necessitate unnaturally cramped handwriting.”

The Khartoum agreement caps off a month of diplomatic triumph for the oft-maligned U.N. Three weeks ago, the continued slaughter of Kurds by Iraq’s Saddam Hussein was condemned by the Security Council, in a resolution that expressed “the most fervent possible tsk-tsking.”

And just last week, Boutros Boutros-Ghali was the commencement speaker at a high school graduation in Dix Hills, New York.

“We live in an age of international violence and terror,” said Boturos-Ghali in the speech, which preceded the Khartoum Accord by days. “We cannot continue to permit other countries to deny basic liberties to their people and thereby tread upon the fundamental decency that is the natural birthright of every human being. . . Good luck, graduates!”

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