adBlockCheck

Tyrannical African Despot Installs Suggestion Box

Top Headlines

International

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Tyrannical African Despot Installs Suggestion Box

Sudanese President-for-Life Welcomes Questions, Comments

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In a move Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali is hailing as “a major step forward” for democracy in Africa, the United Nations announced Monday that Sudan’s repressive President, General Kolimba Djimasta, has agreed to install a suggestion box outside the gates of his 10,000-acre mansion.

“We care about the quality of your stay here in Sudan,” Djimasta said. “That’s why I want you to rate your satisfaction with my kingdom: Was your torturer friendly? Was your village burned to the ground in a friendly and convenient manner? Would you like to see more or less testicular torture? Would you like to be killed at this time?”

Under the Khartoum Accord, the suggestion box will be placed on one of the two imported marble gates in front of Djimasta’s mansion. For those who don’t have a pencil handy, one will be provided.

As an added incentive to get people to fill out comment cards, the first 50 people to do so will not be brutally murdered.

“We’ve really gotten some very good, very valuable feedback,” Djimasta said. “The only downside is the occasional comment card that’s soaked with blood. Those can be difficult to read.”

Among the comments Djimasta has already received: “Please do not send your elite military police to kill me”; “Please do not dispatch your secret military squad to murder me and my family”; and “Your Grand Excellence, I beg of you, I am innocent—please do not kill me.”

The comment cards also contain a space to write your name and address, so Djimasta can personally “reply” to those who are dissatisfied.

Djimasta, who took the reins of power in a violent coup d’état in 1984, was the subject of international outrage this April, when the Red Cross unearthed the bodies of more than 5,000 opposition-party members in a desert grave. Protest by the international community led to the dispatching of a U.N. team to Khartoum last month, which led to the installation of the new suggestion box.

“One thorny point in our negotiations was the issue of how many blank lines to leave on the index cards,” U.N. chief negotiator Uwe Eckhaus said. “We felt at least 10 would be needed to provide enough room for detailed suggestions, but the General felt that anything more than five would necessitate unnaturally cramped handwriting.”

The Khartoum agreement caps off a month of diplomatic triumph for the oft-maligned U.N. Three weeks ago, the continued slaughter of Kurds by Iraq’s Saddam Hussein was condemned by the Security Council, in a resolution that expressed “the most fervent possible tsk-tsking.”

And just last week, Boutros Boutros-Ghali was the commencement speaker at a high school graduation in Dix Hills, New York.

“We live in an age of international violence and terror,” said Boturos-Ghali in the speech, which preceded the Khartoum Accord by days. “We cannot continue to permit other countries to deny basic liberties to their people and thereby tread upon the fundamental decency that is the natural birthright of every human being. . . Good luck, graduates!”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close