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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Tyson Gay

Track and Field, 100m — Lexington, Kentucky

Accomplishments: One of the only Americans capable of running

Motivation: Imagining there’s a delicious rabbit running along the edge of the track

Childhood: Left for dead in a shuttered sporting goods store and raised by treadmills

Olympic Moment: Finished 100-meter sprint with starting block stuck on bottom of shoe

Flaws: Never spends more than 10 seconds doing anything

Celebration: Wraps self in flag, runs victory lap after completing even the most mundane tasks

NEXT: Missy Franklin

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