Tyson Gay

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Tyson Gay

Track and Field, 100m — Lexington, Kentucky

Accomplishments: One of the only Americans capable of running

Motivation: Imagining there’s a delicious rabbit running along the edge of the track

Childhood: Left for dead in a shuttered sporting goods store and raised by treadmills

Olympic Moment: Finished 100-meter sprint with starting block stuck on bottom of shoe

Flaws: Never spends more than 10 seconds doing anything

Celebration: Wraps self in flag, runs victory lap after completing even the most mundane tasks

NEXT: Missy Franklin