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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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U-Say Response To Becker Decision

Was the Supreme Court's ruling against Tom Becker fair? Here's what U, the viewers, have to say:

"That Becker guy is the worst. I'd rather have my ears bleed uncontrollably than listen to him drone on about the benefits of taekwondo again."
--Tonya R., Orlando, FL

"This ruling needs to extend to more people, including that Debra who lives next door."
--William A., St. Paul, MN

"This could set a dangerous precedent. This might allow the Supreme Court to also take away the freedom of speech from breathy talkers and perpetual interrupters."
--Janice, Long Beach, CA

"This is totally unconstitutional. Everyone has a right to say what they want to say. For instance, have I told you about how I had took my high school football team to the championships playing on a broken leg?"
--Ellen S., Greenwood, WI

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