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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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U-Say Response To Detroit Judge's Decision

We received thousands of viewers mails about Judge Lemont's decision that 16-year-old Hannah Stevenson will be tried as a black adult. Here's what U-Say about the ruling:

"Hannah does not deserve this. No matter how bad her crime may have been, she is still white and attractive."
--Gary L., Chula Vista, CA

"Hannah does not deserve this. At most she should have been tried as a shifty-looking Asian."
--Adam V., Sterling Heights, MI

"Hannah needs to have the full force of the wildly unbalanced justice system brought down on her."
--Deon, Sunnyvale, CA

"The sentence should have been even harsher. Hannah should have been sent to a secret tribunal and tried as a Muslim."
--Carrie P., Reno, NV

"Hannah should be happy they didn’t give her a teardrop tattoo before going on trial."
--Kenny S., Peoria, AZ

"The sentence should have been even harsher. Hannah should have been tried in Arizona as a Mexican."
--Pamela K., Spencer, WI

"This ruling not fair. She was clearly possessed by Satan. That is the only way my brain can reconcile my preconceived notions about her race, age, and class with her act of horrific violence."
--Art, Grand Oaks, WA

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