adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

U-Say Response To Detroit Judge's Decision

We received thousands of viewers mails about Judge Lemont's decision that 16-year-old Hannah Stevenson will be tried as a black adult. Here's what U-Say about the ruling:

"Hannah does not deserve this. No matter how bad her crime may have been, she is still white and attractive."
--Gary L., Chula Vista, CA

"Hannah does not deserve this. At most she should have been tried as a shifty-looking Asian."
--Adam V., Sterling Heights, MI

"Hannah needs to have the full force of the wildly unbalanced justice system brought down on her."
--Deon, Sunnyvale, CA

"The sentence should have been even harsher. Hannah should have been sent to a secret tribunal and tried as a Muslim."
--Carrie P., Reno, NV

"Hannah should be happy they didn’t give her a teardrop tattoo before going on trial."
--Kenny S., Peoria, AZ

"The sentence should have been even harsher. Hannah should have been tried in Arizona as a Mexican."
--Pamela K., Spencer, WI

"This ruling not fair. She was clearly possessed by Satan. That is the only way my brain can reconcile my preconceived notions about her race, age, and class with her act of horrific violence."
--Art, Grand Oaks, WA

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close