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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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U-SAY Responses To Scandalous Horse Spread

Juniper, the mare implicated in an affair with Congressman Ronald North, has agreed to do a four-page spread in Stud Farm magazine. What do U think?

"Juniper should be ashamed of herself, if horses have the ability to feel shame."
--Marcia J., Raleigh, NC

"If you're a horse who's got it, horse-flaunt it!"
--Timothy, Lowell, WI

"Juniper should not do it. That horse is a role model to little girls everywhere."
--Paula K., Cedar Rapids, IA

"It's sad that in our society the only way for a horse to get ahead is to use her body."
--Pamela S., Menasha, NV

"What's the big deal? She's naked all the time anyway."
--Jerry W., Philadelphia

"Juniper is clearly doing this because she was abused when she was young. I hear she was beaten with a riding crop daily and even had shoes nailed into her feet."
--Trudy M., Dallas

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