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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

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Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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U-Say Responses To The Military Chaperone Program

We received thousands of emails about the army’s new chaperone program for women in combat. Here's what U-Say about this issue:

"I can't imagine sending these women into combat without a man there to make sure to catch them when they faint at all those scary loud explosion noises."
--Tony C., Gary, IN

"This program is so expensive, and for what? No one is even taking sexy pictures of these women and their guns. What's the point?"
--Tyler S., Dallas, TX

"Is anyone concerned that the presence of men is going to distract the women and make them competitive and act slutty? You know how girls get around a man."
--Rhonda S., Little River, KS

"I think the army should ask the chaperone to stand behind the female soldiers, wrapping their arms around them, to help the ladies hold their weapons."
--Lisa, Orange, CA

"I'm not sure how I feel about the program, but if these women are anything like my wife after I've cleaned the gutters, these poor chaperones aren't going to hear a single thank you."
--Evan P., Oklahoma City, OK

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