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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U-Say Responses To The Military Chaperone Program

We received thousands of emails about the army’s new chaperone program for women in combat. Here's what U-Say about this issue:

"I can't imagine sending these women into combat without a man there to make sure to catch them when they faint at all those scary loud explosion noises."
--Tony C., Gary, IN

"This program is so expensive, and for what? No one is even taking sexy pictures of these women and their guns. What's the point?"
--Tyler S., Dallas, TX

"Is anyone concerned that the presence of men is going to distract the women and make them competitive and act slutty? You know how girls get around a man."
--Rhonda S., Little River, KS

"I think the army should ask the chaperone to stand behind the female soldiers, wrapping their arms around them, to help the ladies hold their weapons."
--Lisa, Orange, CA

"I'm not sure how I feel about the program, but if these women are anything like my wife after I've cleaned the gutters, these poor chaperones aren't going to hear a single thank you."
--Evan P., Oklahoma City, OK

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