U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation

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Vol 47 Issue 08

CynGen Press Release

CynGen released this statement in response to public outcry over a screaming cob of genetically modified corn.

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Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team: We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT ...

Genetically-Modified Food Activity Around The Nation

Produce-related anomalies seem to be on the rise in America. Some examples of unusual activity by genetically modified crops reported in the past 12 months: Large pumpkin dry heaves in fear as two young children attempt to take it home for Halloween (Pie...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation

Our inbox has been flooded with emails of support for Tillis following his decision to step down.

"God bless you,Tillis. Best of luck in all your drinking."
--Jacob E., Franklin, KY

"My friends and I will pour a bottle of gin on the sidewalk in memory of you, Senator Tillis!"
--Noah W., Fairbanks, AK

"KEEP ROCKIN IN THE FREE WORLD, SENATOR"
--Jim B., Middlesex, CT

"I met Senator Tillis once while he was campaigning and I'll never forget it. He shook my hand, looked me in the eye, then grabbed my shoulder to steady himself, then threw up on my shoes."
--Sophia, New Orleans

"So sad. Washington is losing a true party animal today."
--Chris S., Covington, MS

"As a wdrunk you stoood up for mee and thasts whhy youure the bestt!!!!!!"
--Ryan W., Fairfield, CT

"Senator Tillis is a legend. He will always be remembered for his courage, his dancing, and that time he lit a podium on fire. You will be missed, Dave."
--Matthew, Charleston, SC

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