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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation

Our inbox has been flooded with emails of support for Tillis following his decision to step down.

"God bless you,Tillis. Best of luck in all your drinking."
--Jacob E., Franklin, KY

"My friends and I will pour a bottle of gin on the sidewalk in memory of you, Senator Tillis!"
--Noah W., Fairbanks, AK

"KEEP ROCKIN IN THE FREE WORLD, SENATOR"
--Jim B., Middlesex, CT

"I met Senator Tillis once while he was campaigning and I'll never forget it. He shook my hand, looked me in the eye, then grabbed my shoulder to steady himself, then threw up on my shoes."
--Sophia, New Orleans

"So sad. Washington is losing a true party animal today."
--Chris S., Covington, MS

"As a wdrunk you stoood up for mee and thasts whhy youure the bestt!!!!!!"
--Ryan W., Fairfield, CT

"Senator Tillis is a legend. He will always be remembered for his courage, his dancing, and that time he lit a podium on fire. You will be missed, Dave."
--Matthew, Charleston, SC

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