U-Say: Washington Meets With Real America

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Vol 47 Issue 11

'I Make My Own Hours,' Says Man About To Get Fired

NEW YORK—Marketing associate Jack Hilliard has carved out a pretty nice little setup wherein he has the freedom to make his own hours and come and go to work as he pleases, the 41-year-old who is on the verge of losing his job told reporters Monday.

Kelly and Epting's Apartment

Within walking distance of public transportation and situated in an up-and-coming area of town, Justin Kelly and Luke Epting's two-bedroom apartment contains a number of minor, albeit notable flaws.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Spring

U-Say: Washington Meets With Real America

After years of rising tensions, representatives of Washington and Real America have finally entered diplomatic talks. Here’s what some of our viewers had to say about the summit:

"These talks are only between low-level diplomats. If these groups were serious about making progress, both sides should send their highest-ranked leaders, Barack Obama and Jeff Dunham."
--Ben S., Sunnyvale, CA

"The hate needs to stop. Real America's talk radio DJs are all but foaming at the mouth with their disgust for those from Washington."
--Jenny W., Newton, CT

"I'm a Real American who has traveled to Washington. Their customs are strange, their language is hard to understand, but they are still human."
--Corey T., Iowa City, IA

"In my opinion, Washington should be abolished and the Beltway should be turned into a NASCAR track for Real America." --Sandy J., Richmond, VA

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