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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.
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UConn Women Disgusted They Lost To Women's Basketball Team

INDIANAPOLIS—Following the UConn women's 72-63 loss to Notre Dame in the NCAA Final Four last Sunday, the Huskies expressed shock over how they could have lost to a women’s basketball team. "I don't see how we can still call ourselves an elite college basketball program if we're going to get beaten by a bunch of girls," UConn star Maya Moore said of the defeat. "Nothing against the Irish—they're really good for a ladies' squad—but I had hoped to end my career with a little more dignity." UConn guard Tiffany Hayes agreed with Moore, but said she would console herself with the fact that the UConn men's team probably would have lost to Notre Dame as well.

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