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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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UConn Women Disgusted They Lost To Women's Basketball Team

INDIANAPOLIS—Following the UConn women's 72-63 loss to Notre Dame in the NCAA Final Four last Sunday, the Huskies expressed shock over how they could have lost to a women’s basketball team. "I don't see how we can still call ourselves an elite college basketball program if we're going to get beaten by a bunch of girls," UConn star Maya Moore said of the defeat. "Nothing against the Irish—they're really good for a ladies' squad—but I had hoped to end my career with a little more dignity." UConn guard Tiffany Hayes agreed with Moore, but said she would console herself with the fact that the UConn men's team probably would have lost to Notre Dame as well.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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