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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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UFC Fan Knows What All Those Guys' Names Are

KINGSPORT, TN—Sources confirmed Monday that area resident Kyle Nickerson apparently knows the actual names of all those guys in the UFC and that, to him, they don't all sort of run together. "I know maybe four of those guys: Brock Lesnar, Kent Shamrock, Tito Ortiz, and the guy with the mohawk—but Kyle knows all of them, even the ones from that reality show," Nickerson's friend Eric Heijl told reporters, adding that Nickerson is also able to name the moves those guys use. "Sometimes two UFC guys will flash on the screen and Kyle will not only know their names, but know who they've fought in the past. Should I know who these people are? Is UFC such a big deal now that I should be able to identify a UFC fighter when I see one?" When reached for comment, Nickerson was reportedly watching a UFC match in which he not only knew the names of both competitors, but also what their records were. 

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