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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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UFC Fan Only Watches For Joe Rogan's Expert Analysis

CHICAGO—Scott Milloy, a longtime Ultimate Fighting Championship fan, would have stopped watching televised matches in the full-contact fighting series long ago if not for the well-informed, insightful color commentary of UFC host Joe Rogan. "A lot of these new guys may be better fighters than the UFC had in the old 'tough fat guy' era, but without Joe Rogan to give me the insider information that only a former Massachusetts Tae Kwon Do champ can give, I probably wouldn't even watch anymore," Milloy told friends before the Gracie-Hughes UFC matchup Saturday. "And he provides that insight in the way only a former News Radio star can. Truly an athlete and a scholar." Milloy later added that, as far as he could tell, the only blot on Rogan's stellar career was his two-season stint as a host of the Man Show, a position "beneath the dignity of an expert of the Octagon."

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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