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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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UFC Fighter Has Idea For T-Shirt With A Bunch Of Shit Written All Over It

LAS VEGAS—Mixed martial artist Phillipe Nover announced design plans Thursday for a new T-shirt that he claimed would be completely covered in hundreds of dumbshit fighting terms and stupid fucking tribal patterns. "This shirt will feature a rambling assortment of worthless violent images and words, like 'grapple' and 'slam,' all thrown together in the most unappealing colors possible," said Nover, adding that graphics would include spray-painted angel wings, laughing skulls wearing crowns, random splatter marks, and other images so idiotic they could only appeal to 8-year-old boys from Long Island or emotionally undeveloped middle-aged men. "It's going to look like two Ed Hardy shirts fucked and vomited on each other. I can guarantee it will be the stupidest, ugliest T-shirt ever made." When asked if the inside tag would also feature an unsightly design, Nover admitted he had not yet thought of that but would be sure to include "machine guns or naked lady silhouettes or something else that's stupid."

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