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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Ugandan Powerball Jackpot Hits 31 Grains Of Rice

KAMPALA, UGANDA—Powerball mania continues to grip Uganda after last night's nationwide lottery drawing failed to generate a winner, pushing the prize total up to a staggering 31 grains of rice. "It's official: This will be the largest jackpot we've ever awarded," said a spokesman for the Ugandan Lottery, noting that the prize had surpassed the 29 rice grains claimed by a group of 17 widowed mothers in November of last year. "Hold on to your tickets, because whoever is lucky enough to pick the winning numbers will be able to add a basic nutrient to their diet that they need to avoid starving to death. It truly could be a life-changing amount of rice." The spokesman added that if there is only one winner, that person can choose between receiving the 31 rice grains over a period of 10 years or accepting a lump sum of 22 grains now.

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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