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Ugly Girl Killed

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Ugly Girl Killed

CASPER, WY—The people of America remained unmoved Monday as the sparse, barely attended funeral procession of Edith Pelphrey made its way to Pinelawn Cemetery in downtown Casper.

The recent murder of clumsy, unattractive, 6-year-old Edith Pelphrey, pictured above in happier times, has not sent shockwaves of grief and despair rippling through the nation.

Edith, a homely six-year-old with thick glasses and a decidedly non-winning smile, was laid to rest largely as she had lived—unnoticed by the general population.

Discovered strangled with a length of nylon cord on Jan. 4, reported to the police Jan. 15, and finally investigated two days ago, the story of unattractive little Edith and her savage killing has failed to tug at America's heartstrings.

To the few who knew her, Edith was an unattractive, awkward little girl who failed to stand out among her first-grade classmates at Jefferson Elementary School. And it is this lack of social grace, more than anything, that makes her all-too-brief life—and its all-too-brief ending—all the more not-compelling and non-poignant in the eyes of a city and a nation.

The normally lively streets of Casper were quiet today. Not because the city was mourning a loss that had shaken it to its core, but because of the capacity crowds attending this weekend's 1997 "Li'l Miss Casper" pre-teen beauty pageant, a contest that Edith, had she lived, surely could never have entered, let alone won.

Edith's death—so sudden, so unremarkable—has not sent shockwaves of grief and despair rippling across the land.

"The American people face bold new challenges in the 21st century," President Clinton said Monday in an unrelated speech which made no mention of the incident. "We will rise to meet these challenges together."

Said Time magazine editor Richard Turner, "I want to stress that we have no intention of featuring Edith Pelphrey on the cover of Time."

"Neither will we," concurred People magazine's Kathie Holcomb. "There's just no sell."

But who was Edith? What was she going through as she neared the end? In these modern times, do we as Americans even care about such questions? The answer is clear, and it is: no, we do not. But now, after what little tears there were have long fallen, lingering questions about Edith's murder remain, failing to elicit anything beyond indifference from anyone.

"I was just going to the bookstore," said Casper resident Dan Vermeer, 24, moments after learning of Edith's death. "After that I'm supposed to meet a friend at a coffee shop."

"Hey, look at this!" a visibly agitated Rev. Geoff Noyes, of Casper's First Methodist Church, said to MaryAnn, his wife of 43 years. "They're having a sale at Safeway! Look at those tuna discounts."

These Casper residents, like millions of people across the nation, will not form any sort of activist group or mobilize to find Edith's killer; launch any sort of posthumous tribute; order any flower arrangement; or sing moving hymns in her memory. Neither, for that matter, will they ever know who she was, nor would they care to.

Why was she found strangled in her own home? There was a ransom note found with the body, but no kidnappers or, for that matter, evidence of any kidnapping at all. Could it be that the murderer was actually someone from the Pelphrey family itself? By and large, nobody could care less.

"I told you already that I have no idea what you're talking about, sir. If you keep calling here I'll have you fined," Casper chief of police Wayne Daugherty told reporters.

It's obvious that Edith, too homely to give a second thought about in life, is even less likely to attract anyone's attention now that she has been laid to eternal rest.

"I feel deeply, with every ounce of my soul, that something must be done to ensure the public that no matter what happens in the future, this night will not be forgotten, and that the Li'l Miss Casper Beauty Pageant will continue to inspire us all," Casper Mayor Roger DiNizio said, addressing an assembled crowd of 11,000.

Upon the completion of DiNizio's remarks, the pageant audience—decked out in their finest for the occasion—cheered, rising from their seats in a spontaneous standing ovation.

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