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Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
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Ugly Girl Killed

CASPER, WY—The people of America remained unmoved Monday as the sparse, barely attended funeral procession of Edith Pelphrey made its way to Pinelawn Cemetery in downtown Casper.

The recent murder of clumsy, unattractive, 6-year-old Edith Pelphrey, pictured above in happier times, has not sent shockwaves of grief and despair rippling through the nation.

Edith, a homely six-year-old with thick glasses and a decidedly non-winning smile, was laid to rest largely as she had lived—unnoticed by the general population.

Discovered strangled with a length of nylon cord on Jan. 4, reported to the police Jan. 15, and finally investigated two days ago, the story of unattractive little Edith and her savage killing has failed to tug at America's heartstrings.

To the few who knew her, Edith was an unattractive, awkward little girl who failed to stand out among her first-grade classmates at Jefferson Elementary School. And it is this lack of social grace, more than anything, that makes her all-too-brief life—and its all-too-brief ending—all the more not-compelling and non-poignant in the eyes of a city and a nation.

The normally lively streets of Casper were quiet today. Not because the city was mourning a loss that had shaken it to its core, but because of the capacity crowds attending this weekend's 1997 "Li'l Miss Casper" pre-teen beauty pageant, a contest that Edith, had she lived, surely could never have entered, let alone won.

Edith's death—so sudden, so unremarkable—has not sent shockwaves of grief and despair rippling across the land.

"The American people face bold new challenges in the 21st century," President Clinton said Monday in an unrelated speech which made no mention of the incident. "We will rise to meet these challenges together."

Said Time magazine editor Richard Turner, "I want to stress that we have no intention of featuring Edith Pelphrey on the cover of Time."

"Neither will we," concurred People magazine's Kathie Holcomb. "There's just no sell."

But who was Edith? What was she going through as she neared the end? In these modern times, do we as Americans even care about such questions? The answer is clear, and it is: no, we do not. But now, after what little tears there were have long fallen, lingering questions about Edith's murder remain, failing to elicit anything beyond indifference from anyone.

"I was just going to the bookstore," said Casper resident Dan Vermeer, 24, moments after learning of Edith's death. "After that I'm supposed to meet a friend at a coffee shop."

"Hey, look at this!" a visibly agitated Rev. Geoff Noyes, of Casper's First Methodist Church, said to MaryAnn, his wife of 43 years. "They're having a sale at Safeway! Look at those tuna discounts."

These Casper residents, like millions of people across the nation, will not form any sort of activist group or mobilize to find Edith's killer; launch any sort of posthumous tribute; order any flower arrangement; or sing moving hymns in her memory. Neither, for that matter, will they ever know who she was, nor would they care to.

Why was she found strangled in her own home? There was a ransom note found with the body, but no kidnappers or, for that matter, evidence of any kidnapping at all. Could it be that the murderer was actually someone from the Pelphrey family itself? By and large, nobody could care less.

"I told you already that I have no idea what you're talking about, sir. If you keep calling here I'll have you fined," Casper chief of police Wayne Daugherty told reporters.

It's obvious that Edith, too homely to give a second thought about in life, is even less likely to attract anyone's attention now that she has been laid to eternal rest.

"I feel deeply, with every ounce of my soul, that something must be done to ensure the public that no matter what happens in the future, this night will not be forgotten, and that the Li'l Miss Casper Beauty Pageant will continue to inspire us all," Casper Mayor Roger DiNizio said, addressing an assembled crowd of 11,000.

Upon the completion of DiNizio's remarks, the pageant audience—decked out in their finest for the occasion—cheered, rising from their seats in a spontaneous standing ovation.

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