Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR

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Vol 46 Issue 09

Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous

DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous.

Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save

HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to destroy the failing marriage he was brought into this world to save.

Soda Tax Suggested In California

California lawmaker Dean Florez has introduced a bill that would tax soda and other sugary drinks one cent for every teaspoon of caloric sweetener...
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Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR

KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entire breakdown of the differences between IndyCar and NASCAR after you—completely by accident, for Christ's sake—referred to the Daytona 500 as the Indy 500, and only in reference to the pace of work around your office. "Open-wheel racing, such as IndyCar, is more concerned with aerodynamics, not to mention the obvious fact that the cars race on road and street courses in addition to ovals," said Martinelli, who is more than capable of droning on about this crap for hours, especially when he should, oh, let's see, be talking to potential clients, maybe. "Of course, you could say that here in the office we run around in circles all day just like drivers in both series! Heh! Ah, man. Anyway, me? I'm a fan of both." At press time, Martinelli was spouting some nonsense about formula-something-something being a higher class of auto racing while you answered an e-mail.

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