adBlockCheck

Uh-Oh, Photo Of Crying Woman On Cover Of National Newspaper

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Uh-Oh, Photo Of Crying Woman On Cover Of National Newspaper

Shit, this is going to be bad, sources across the nation are reporting.
Shit, this is going to be bad, sources across the nation are reporting.

UNITED STATES—Uh-oh, according to alarmed sources across the nation, a picture of a crying woman appeared on the front page of a national newspaper this morning.

“Ah, shit—this can’t be good,” Arlington, TX resident James Licari said in unison with 300 million Americans, noting that the photo was prominently displayed at the top of the page beneath a brief, bold headline and accompanied by several smaller photographs. “There’s a uniformed man in the background and—shit—there’s definitely a child. There’s a woman crying and there’s a small child.”

“Fuck, it’s happening again,” he added. “It’s definitely happening again.”

While admitting that they had not yet mustered the courage to examine the photograph closely, sources confirmed that the woman pictured is sobbing uncontrollably and, Jesus, appears to be standing in a public place, most likely a school or church. In addition, increasingly agitated sources reported that the woman seems somewhat young but is definitely old enough to be a mother.

Sources further confirmed that, oh, no—the words “Breaking News” appear near the picture of the woman.

“Great, here we go again,” accountant Louisa Sheldon, 25, told reporters as she scanned the newspaper, noting that the troubling photograph is adjacent to a box of numbers and statistics and some kind of timeline or map. “Let’s see what it is this time, shall we?”

“Might as well get it over with, after all,” she added. “I’m probably going to be hearing about it nonstop for the next week.”

At press time, web browsers across the nation had reported that, shit, the picture of the woman had appeared in a slideshow with additional slides of more crying people.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close