Uh-Oh, Photo Of Crying Woman On Cover Of National Newspaper

Top Headlines

Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Sleep

Uh-Oh, Photo Of Crying Woman On Cover Of National Newspaper

Shit, this is going to be bad, sources across the nation are reporting.
Shit, this is going to be bad, sources across the nation are reporting.

UNITED STATES—Uh-oh, according to alarmed sources across the nation, a picture of a crying woman appeared on the front page of a national newspaper this morning.

“Ah, shit—this can’t be good,” Arlington, TX resident James Licari said in unison with 300 million Americans, noting that the photo was prominently displayed at the top of the page beneath a brief, bold headline and accompanied by several smaller photographs. “There’s a uniformed man in the background and—shit—there’s definitely a child. There’s a woman crying and there’s a small child.”

“Fuck, it’s happening again,” he added. “It’s definitely happening again.”

While admitting that they had not yet mustered the courage to examine the photograph closely, sources confirmed that the woman pictured is sobbing uncontrollably and, Jesus, appears to be standing in a public place, most likely a school or church. In addition, increasingly agitated sources reported that the woman seems somewhat young but is definitely old enough to be a mother.

Sources further confirmed that, oh, no—the words “Breaking News” appear near the picture of the woman.

“Great, here we go again,” accountant Louisa Sheldon, 25, told reporters as she scanned the newspaper, noting that the troubling photograph is adjacent to a box of numbers and statistics and some kind of timeline or map. “Let’s see what it is this time, shall we?”

“Might as well get it over with, after all,” she added. “I’m probably going to be hearing about it nonstop for the next week.”

At press time, web browsers across the nation had reported that, shit, the picture of the woman had appeared in a slideshow with additional slides of more crying people.