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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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U.K. Cardinal Resigns In Wake Of—Get This—Sex Abuse Allegations

EDINBURGH—Sources confirmed Monday that Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic cleric, Cardinal Keith O’Brien, has stepped down from his position as Archbishop of St. Andrews and Edinburgh due to—you’re not going to believe this one—sexual abuse allegations.

According to reports, O’Brien resigned amid the surfacing of claims that he, a high-ranking member of the church, had made—huge shocker here—inappropriate sexual advances toward numerous male subordinates over many years.

Sexual abuse, sources confirmed, in the Catholic Church of all places.

“Cardinal O’Brien has tendered his resignation following, and I know this comes as a bombshell, allegations that he made a series of unwanted physical and verbal overtures directed at young men under his purview,” said archdiocese representative Thomas Heron, referring to claims lodged by four former and current priests that the Scottish archbishop sexually harassed them over several years. “If these assertions are true, then, as difficult as this is to fathom, he used his position of power to lure young men into his residence and abused the high level of trust they had placed in him.”

“Bet you never thought you’d hear comments like these in regards to a highly devout member of the church,” Heron added.

The allegations of sexual misconduct, which, again, have reportedly thrown everybody for a loop, have caused even greater alarm because, surprise, surprise, O’Brien is one of the church’s most strident ideological hardliners, having rigorously opposed homosexuality in all its forms.

Furthermore—and you might want to sit down for this—preliminary reports indicate that the Catholic Church may actually have been fully aware of the accusations against O’Brien, and yet concealed his misbehavior in order to safeguard its reputation.

Thus far, news of the scandal has had an immediate impact on the world’s Catholics, some of whom have been forced to question what they thought they knew about their church.

“Who could have seen this one coming?” said local Edinburgh resident and parish member Lorna Paterson, 48, who told reporters that she would never have believed a cardinal of all people could be implicated in such a disgraceful imbroglio in a thousand years. “This kind of thing just doesn’t happen.”

“Thankfully, it’s just an isolated incident,” Paterson continued.

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