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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who’s Always Borrowing Them

BOLINGBROOK, IL—Touting them as essentials that women should have handy at all times, Ulta Beauty released a new line of shitty hair ties Friday designed specifically to be given to cheap-ass friends who always ask to borrow them. “Our new Freeloader Elastics line allows women to give the moochers in their life the bargain-basement accessory they deserve,” said Ulta Beauty CEO Mary Dillon, adding that each package contains 25 stringy, overstretched hair ties in a variety of revolting colors that are perfectly acceptable to hand out to people who have no intention of returning them. “These are must-haves for the woman who doesn’t want to give her good elastics to her friend who, yet again, forgot to bring a hair tie of her own to the gym. Next time your friend asks to borrow an elastic that you know you’ll never see again, give them something only slightly better than the twist tie you use for garbage bags.” Dillon went on to say that most of the new elastics can’t be returned to their rightful owner anyway, as most will either snap or get irrevocably tangled with the borrower’s hair.

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