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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who’s Always Borrowing Them

BOLINGBROOK, IL—Touting them as essentials that women should have handy at all times, Ulta Beauty released a new line of shitty hair ties Friday designed specifically to be given to cheap-ass friends who always ask to borrow them. “Our new Freeloader Elastics line allows women to give the moochers in their life the bargain-basement accessory they deserve,” said Ulta Beauty CEO Mary Dillon, adding that each package contains 25 stringy, overstretched hair ties in a variety of revolting colors that are perfectly acceptable to hand out to people who have no intention of returning them. “These are must-haves for the woman who doesn’t want to give her good elastics to her friend who, yet again, forgot to bring a hair tie of her own to the gym. Next time your friend asks to borrow an elastic that you know you’ll never see again, give them something only slightly better than the twist tie you use for garbage bags.” Dillon went on to say that most of the new elastics can’t be returned to their rightful owner anyway, as most will either snap or get irrevocably tangled with the borrower’s hair.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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