How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Umabomber Captured

FBI Ends 18-Year Search for Leggy Luddite Lolita

In a spectacular climax to the longest manhunt ever mounted by the FBI, federal agents captured the notorious, glamorous Umabomber yesterday. The radical terrorist and darling of the silver screen is the chief suspect in 16 bombings, 23 injuries and three deaths, as well as audience-wowing appearances in the racy Dangerous Liaisons and the smash hit Pulp Fiction, over the last 18 years.

"The Umabomber is led into custody by FBI officials following the L.A. premiere of her new film, The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Many observers have gone so far as to call the high-profile terrorist a "celebrity."", "For years, the FBI's only lead to the Umabomber's identity besides her 17 feature film appearances and numerous magazine covers was this police sketch."

FBI investigators spent a reported $68 million and over 300,000 work hours in their effort to nab the elusive beauty, and as the starlet flashed her million-dollar smile at paparazzi while being led into custody last week, one question arose: Who can blame them?

The star-studded arrest was witnessed by over two million viewers on Pay-Per-View and featured law enforcement officials from seven states as well as celebrity guests Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis.

“The Umabomber’s been on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List for 18 years,” Variety columnist Bunny Shirer said, “and on People magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People in the World list for the last five. That means two things: Boffo Box Office, and Blammo Post Office.”

She later added that MCA/ Universal had been pursuing the Umabomber for years, and that the FBI is very lucky to have her.

“The Umabomber is a ruthless, highly educated extremist with no respect for human life, and whose looks and talent have made her an extremely sought-after property, both in Hollywood and by national law enforcement,” said the Umabomber’s Pulp Fiction co-star Bruce Willis at an exclusive after-arrest party at L.A.’s Viper Room.

The Umabomber, who has lived a life of luxury for years, shielded from media scrutiny by security cameras and bodyguards, was almost impossible to reach, according to FBI spokespersons.

“We must have called her publicist six, seven times a week,” said Tom Bannon of the joint Federal Bureau of Investigation/Screen Actors’ Guild team in charge of tracking the elusive Umabomber throughout her grisly and glamorous career. “Always, it was the same thing: ‘Uma’s not available this week, we’ll get back to you.’”

Police left messages on her voice mail, staked out her manager’s office, and sent her scripts, all to no avail.

“We’re very excited to finally get the Umabomber for the FBI,” said an FBI official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Now that we’ve stolen her away from her three-picture deal at Paramount, we can expect higher FBI box-office grosses than ever before.”

After a number of false leads (such as a rumor that 1992’s Final Analysis would be shot on location in Tunisia, causing an expensive and fruitless mobilization of Interpol), FBI detectives got their first real break a year later, when the Umabomber’s bodyguard, Flavio, allegedly punched an FBI photographer who was trying to get inside her limousine.

The Umabomber remained strangely inactive following her starring role in the flop Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, prompting hopeful speculation that her deadly spree may have permanently ended. She returned to the spotlight last year however, with the horrific letter-bombing of timber lobbyist Murray Bilgert, and numerous supporting roles that showed her increasing versatility as an actress.

Experts agree that the Umabomber’s fatal slip-up occurred in 1995, when the star’s publicist convinced the New York Times and Washington Post to print a 35,000-word manifesto against technology alongside a full-page ad for her Oscar-nominated release, Pulp Fiction.

But it was the media campaign for the upcoming release of the irreverent romantic comedy The Truth About Cats and Dogs, co-starring funnywoman Janeane Garofalo, that made the Umabomber’s cap-ture all the more urgent, ac-cor-ding to sources close to the case.

“If that film is a hit, you can erase any doubts about the Umabomber’s staying power as a celebrity,” said FBI spokesman Tom Haver.

According to The Uma-bomb-er’s personal assistant, Denise Mazur, despite persistent rumors that she is involved with Johnny Depp, she is single and looking forward to prison life.

“After all that terrorist bombing and 19-hour days on the set,” Mazur says, “the Umabomber is looking forward to being a regular prisoner again.”

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