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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Umenyiora Comes Out Of Nowhere To Sack McNabb In Parking Lot

PHILADELPHIA—Osi Umenyiora, whose six sacks against the Eagles on Sunday tied him for second on the NFL's single-game  record list, added to that total when he burst out from around the end of Donovan McNabb's Ford Excursion, seized the quarterback by the shoulders, and drove him hard to the pavement as McNabb left practice Tuesday. "Osi just had my number today," said McNabb, who has been less mobile when entering and exiting his car since undergoing  knee surgery in the offseason. "It was a very athletic play, and what's more, it was smart—we never thought to look for him coming across the parking lot like that." Second-year tackle Winston Justice confirmed that Philadelphia's five starting offensive linemen, all of whom who were all hitching a post-practice ride home with McNabb, did not get so much as a finger on Umenyiora.

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