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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Umenyiora Comes Out Of Nowhere To Sack McNabb In Parking Lot

PHILADELPHIA—Osi Umenyiora, whose six sacks against the Eagles on Sunday tied him for second on the NFL's single-game  record list, added to that total when he burst out from around the end of Donovan McNabb's Ford Excursion, seized the quarterback by the shoulders, and drove him hard to the pavement as McNabb left practice Tuesday. "Osi just had my number today," said McNabb, who has been less mobile when entering and exiting his car since undergoing  knee surgery in the offseason. "It was a very athletic play, and what's more, it was smart—we never thought to look for him coming across the parking lot like that." Second-year tackle Winston Justice confirmed that Philadelphia's five starting offensive linemen, all of whom who were all hitching a post-practice ride home with McNabb, did not get so much as a finger on Umenyiora.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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