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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Umpire Asks Catcher To Move Up A Little

MILWAUKEE—Home plate umpire Marvin Hudson asked Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy to move forward “just a little” during the second inning of Sunday's NLDS game so that Hudson could have some more room and see better, nearby sources reported. “I’m getting a little cramped back here, so could you scootch up a bit?” Hudson reportedly whispered while gently nudging Lucroy in his lower back. “Little more. Little more. Little more. Little back. There. That’s perfect.” Both Hudson and Lucroy stood up and reevaluated their positions when, after an ensuing pitch, they realized they had ended up 5 feet in front of home plate.

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